Finding the Balance

Detoxifying Success

Rockstar of the week

Atlanta: Senior Estimator with 10+ years of experience, ground up and renovation experience on commercial, industrial, retail and hospitality projects.

Everywhere you go, businesses need to make money. And at the heart of every business are the people responsible for bringing in that money—the rainmakers, the deal-closers, the ones who drive revenue.

Some people in these roles are exceptional. Some are average. And some, quite frankly, aren’t that great.

That’s how I used to look at it. And for a long time, I found myself thinking things like:

“My competitor isn’t even that good at this job.” 

“He just got lucky that time. I know it.” 

“How did they manage that?” 

I’ve always considered myself one of the hardest-working people in the room. I see my skills and performance as above average. And I’d confidently say I’m one of the most competitive people I know.

But with that mindset comes its own challenges—low confidence, self-doubt, and at times, an inflated sense of superiority.

Pile on top of that a childhood shaped by a scarcity mindset around money, and you’ve got a recipe for an unhealthy relationship with success—both my own and, more importantly, other people’s.

For much of my career in business development roles, I struggled to feel good about other people’s wins. Instead of celebrating them, I’d take them personally. Their success felt like a missed opportunity for me. In recruiting, where competition is fierce and commissions are only paid when a hire is made, that internal pressure feels even greater.

Companies work with multiple recruiters at once, which only adds to the challenge.

Thankfully, I’ve worked hard to change that. My wife helped, but I also sought professional help to reframe my mindset around success, competition, and financial anxiety. Therapy played a major role in helping me decondition the toxic beliefs I had built over time.

And because of that work, I can now genuinely celebrate other people’s successes without it feeling like a personal loss. 

If you’ve ever struggled with this or something similar, I’d love to hear about it. More importantly, I’d love to hear how you overcame it.

Now I'll let Sami go.

Sami’s Take

This is about Empathy.

When I strip the issue of toxic success down to its studs I find myself staring at an ever more prevalent issue: our populations’ struggle to balance empathy. 

When I first realized Rob was struggling with competition at work and among his peers I asked myself why I didn’t have this issue. I took a hard look at how I conducted myself in the workplace and among friends and then took a deep dive with Rob into his experience. 

When we dove into what he was feeling when hearing about his peers' wins and losses we noticed a pattern. We then took that same dive with me and found I had my own pattern. Neither one was necessarily good or bad, to be clear, but there was a big difference. 

As Rob already stated, his pattern dealt with an overwhelming drive to compete for what he felt were limited resources and he had to win or else he suffered a feeling of loss that felt insurmountable, even life threatening at times. It was heavy. 

On the contrary, I experienced joy when my peers won. Every time I saw one of them win I felt satisfied and reassured that winning is possible and the world has positive opportunities for all of us. I know this might sound like my pattern is better than Rob’s, but please, wait. I too had a moment of pride when realizing my pattern, but it was very, very short lived. 

Rob was quick to point out my seeming lack of drive to win and fight for my dreams. I strongly disagreed with him at the time. I felt I had very ambitious goals and tons of drive to see them through, but when I was honest with myself, I wasn’t hitting any of those goals like I wanted. I really wasn’t getting anywhere with my method, but Rob was hitting most of his goals with his. 

We found ourselves at opposite ends of a spectrum and neither end was serving us very well. We could see how Rob’s drive to win did allow him to hit goals but was taking him too far into the depths of competition and creating in him a disdain for his peers. But mine? I was so wrapped up in the wins of others I took my eyes off my own progress and allowed the satisfaction of other people’s wins to make me complacent in my own endeavors. I stagnated. 

We needed to recalibrate, but how?!?

With a bit more analysis, it became clear to me our issues centered around empathy. Rob struggled to step into his peers’ shoes to feel their joys and their suffering. That lack of empathy made him cold and unkind and led him to feel disconnected and lonely. I could see clearly that if he opened himself up even just a little to seeing his peers in an empathetic light he could glean satisfaction from their wins and cultivate a healthier environment.

That kind of empathy allows for opportunities of personal growth but also career growth. When we stop seeing everyone as competition we open our minds to bountiful possibilities of collaboration and community. With empathy one person’s win can be shared among a group. It can spread abundance and success. And when Rob put that to practice, he found it to be very true for him. 

I had a little too much empathy. It seems hard to imagine there being such a thing as too much empathy in this world, but in my society where arguably most struggle in the way Rob did, too much empathy quickly becomes a personal issue. 

I was so empathetic with my peers that I missed times when I was being taken advantage of and passed over for opportunities that I deserved. I can’t even pretend it was anyone else’s fault- I gave away my opportunities because I knew someone else wanted it. That’s how bad it was for me. I was abandoning myself and my goals for the sake of making other people happy.

It wasn’t cute and it was also an abandonment of my partnership with Rob. We had collective goals that I couldn’t fully contribute to because I was too busy handing off all my time and opportunities. I wasn’t standing inside my own ego and perspective enough to fight for me and what I wanted and needed. 

I feel it’s important to note here the way we all talk about empathy. I grew up being told empathy is a virtue and a good thing to display. I was taught to always consider my neighbor and be courteous and kind. I was taught it was impolite to demand things, to be pushy, and to fight. Now, don’t get me wrong, when it comes to my values I have charged full-speed into a fight, but I never dared to bring that same passion into the workplace. Never. 

Rob, on the other hand, was taught to be rough and tumble with himself and his goals. He was taught the world is brutal and will take from him so he better stand his ground and fight for his right to survive and thrive. 

To me, this is a reflection of the differences in rearing for boys and girls in our culture. Girls are taught to be soft and pliable while boys are taught to be loud and to take up space. Girls are taught to be aware of everyone and everything around them so they can cater to those needs, but boys are taught to bull doze everything and everyone in sight. 

This, of course, varies family to family, but it is a common trend I’ve found among my male and female peers. For me and Rob, this absolutely pinpointed the heart of our problems. The truth was, we needed to learn from each other to gain balance. Rob needed more empathy and I was the perfect one to teach him. I needed more fight and bite and he knew when and where I needed it most. 

Together, we’ve been able to slowly chip away at our imbalances and find a more harmonious middle ground. I won’t say we’re done with this work- it’s always waxing and waning. We both have times when we hopelessly slide back to our old ways. It’s a constant battle, but mutual awareness and effort to pull on each other helps us stay afloat and continue with the work. 

I invite you all to take time now to consider where you fall on the empathy scale. Are you more like Rob and find yourself fighting everything and everyone for your share of the pie? Or are you more like me and feel more walked on than a main street sidewalk?

I’m sure many of you will find yourself swinging back and forth somewhere in the middle. And for those who find themselves balanced, congratulations- please tell us how you do it!

Let us know, leave a comment or send us an email. 

Are you a Rob? 

A Sami? 

Or do you fall somewhere in between?

Rob + Sami

rob@zarrellco.com